Thirty, today
Today, I turned thirty
Which feels very weird to say, because thirty always felt like such a “grown-up” age, like something other people reached when they had their lives completely figured out. And yet, here I am. Not a kid anymore, but still not totally feeling like an adult either. Just somewhere in this strange, yet beautiful in-between
There’s a lot of talk about how your 30s are the best years of your life. Full of clarity, confidence, and fresh starts. And I get it. There’s something exciting about being here. I know myself a lot better now, and I’ve gained enough experience to understand what I value, what I won’t accept, and how strong I truly am. Yet, I still feel curious, still open, and still figuring it all out
I’ve also been feeling something else. Something quieter and heavier. Grief
Grief for the younger version of me. The girl who was struggling through it all, trying to make sense of herself and the world. The one who made mistakes, learned hard lessons, and hoped to one day become someone she would be proud of. I grieve how quickly time moved. I grieve the soft, carefree parts of my childhood that I didn’t realise I was slowly saying goodbye to, and I grieve the truth that growing up sometimes means leaving behind versions of yourself you once loved
Then again, it’s important for me to embrace this new chapter and enjoy the process of growing older and becoming someone new, because I was once a teenager who wasn’t sure I’d ever make it this far. Someone so deep in the fog of depression, I couldn’t clearly picture my future. Definitely not one that included things like getting married or turning thirty, which are two milestones I’ve reached in the last few months
So while today is full of love and reflection, it’s also strange and very emotional. It’s wild to think I’m living a life now that younger me never even imagined. And maybe that’s what’s hitting the hardest. The fact that I’m on the edge of becoming someone new again. Stepping into the next version of myself. One who might become a mother. One who will carry more responsibility, more wisdom, and hopefully more softness too. But with that becoming comes letting go. And that’s scary, necessary, but scary
There’s this weird pressure to have everything together by 30. The job, the house, the plan. I don’t have all of that, but what I do have is self-awareness, strong core values and a sense of who I am. And I know now that being true to myself is way more important than making people think I have “it all figured out”
So here’s what I’m carrying with me into this next chapter. More softness, more presence, more trust in life’s timing and way more compassion for every past version of me, especially the one who didn’t think she’d make it here
Today is not just another birthday, ticking over. Today I’m honouring everything that’s gotten me to this moment. The grief, the growth and the guts it takes to live this life
Here’s to 30. The decade of becoming, evolving, and welcoming all that’s still to come
